You ask me what is wrong and I always give some excuse so that I can get out. I dodge your worried glances and avoid eye contact as much as possible. I don’t want to open up because I don’t want to get hurt. I know we used to be as close as friends can get, but that’s not us anymore. I’m sure you know that just as well as I do.
We’ve been drifting apart for months now. I’ve tried to breach the gap but nothing is working. Maybe I’m not pushing hard enough, but I’m tired of getting nowhere and I’m ready to give up. I’ve been stuck between caring too much and not caring at all for too long. I’m not strong enough to keep going like this.
I apologize for how weak I am, but I’m done. I apologize for my selfishness and making this all about me. Then again I’m not seeing any effort on your side so maybe this is for the best. I apologize for not being like them because they are who you want to be around. I apologize for going to church and actually wanting to be there. I apologize for being unwilling to come up and talk to you like nothing has changed. I apologize for pulling away when you finally decided to give a crap. I apologize for all of the times I inconvenienced you because it obviously wasn’t worth it. I apologize for anything I did to change you from who you used to be into who you are now.
I didn’t know what I was getting into when I let my guard down on that bus ride so many months ago. I’m sorry I showed you who I was under under all my masks because allowing you to see my lowest point, with tear streaked cheeks and a shaking voice, was so stupid. Most of all I sincerely apologize for all the time you spent trying to be my friend.
If I could change it all now I would, but at this point I’m sick of apologizing when it falls on deaf ears. My last apology is not to you but to myself. I’m sorry I told myself this was all my fault, that I’ve kept myself up every night thinking about what I could have done differently to save our friendship. All this time I thought I deserved to feel this way, but now I’m realizing that shouldn’t have ever been the case. I’ve made mistakes, but this one, this one is not on me.